Movie Review - Time Bandits
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1981 / 116 Minutes / PG
Reviewed by Jason Jones
What a pile of shit this is! This waste of celluloid is what I would call a vessel of idiocy. The dissection follows below.
This movie stole time allright. It took two hours of my life and flushed them right down the proverbial shitter. I feel like a lesser man for having seen this crock of shit.
To be quite honest with you I don’t remember a whole hell of a lot of this movie. Which I take as a good thing. So I will try to take the small fragments that are cluttering my mind and try to make some assemblance of order out of them.
Who the hell am I kidding? There is no assemblance of order to this movie. What little plot there is involves some dwarves, a map, and some stupid kid that you will not care about in the least. There is one faint glimmer of hope in this movie by the name of David Warner. His interpretation of Satan is rather hilarious, as he makes half-handed attempts at doing whatever it is he’s trying to do.
This movie is so bloody worthless that it makes Sean Connery and the incomparable John Cleese look like rejects from “The Phantom Menace”. Even Captain Panaka wasn’t this bad.
I am running out of ammunition. Maybe if I watched it again, I could site examples of the utter worthlessness that exists in this movie. But I am not going to put myself through that for you, or anyone else. I would let someone “Lieutenant Dan” my ass before I would watch this mercilessly bad piece of shit again…………Ya’ know. I don’t even want to refer to this as a movie. It would sully the good name of movies everywhere. What in the name of blue fuck was Terry Gilliam thinking when he shat this film out upon the silver screen? I hope he was doing some experimental drugs at the time, otherwise there is no excuse whatsoever for this mess.
I would not recommend this film to my worst enemy. It would be too harsh of a punishment. I think candlewax on the nipples or bamboo under the fingernails is much more civilized than unleashing this pile of shit upon any earthly being I know of.
