Benjamin J. Heckendorn’s Entertainment Rant of the Week
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Loading ...This week I’m complaining about:
People (columnists, newswriters) who think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ romance is a publicity stunt to help out “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”.
If you’ve gone to the grocery store or ever seen any entertainment-related news story in the last month you’re surely aware that Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes, who is nearly 20 years his junior. Normally when an older movie star/record producer dates someone young enough to be their daughter (or granddaughter in Celine Dion’s case) nobody pays it a second thought. But for some reason people think the Cruise/Holmes thing is just a ploy to get more people to see “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”, and you see “quotation“ marks around any word used to describe their romance. (IE, Holmes is “happy” with Tom)
That is complete and utterly stupid horseshit. First off what’s her nuts… Penelope Cruz is only about 7 years older than Holmes and Tom did her for a while. Secondly, Tom Cruise is the single most sure-fire hit making star currently in Hollywood. Practically every film he does makes at least $100 million, even if it’s something as weird as “Vanilla Sky” or off-beat like him being a Samurai and slicing off heads. Not even Tom Hanks or pre-Passion Mel Gibson had such good runs. In fact without even checking I’m pretty sure the only Tom Cruise movies to not break $100 million since, oh how about 1992, are “Far and Away”, “Magnolia” and “Eyes Wide Shut”.
But what really made me laugh, well actually, pissed me off was a recent article/story again saying the Tom/Katie thing was BS, then also saying that “War of the Worlds” needed the help because Spielberg was on a box-office slide. Ok that is just re-god-damn-diculas. Spielberg makes the movies he WANTS to make and doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if anyone likes them (The underrated and much-loathed “AI” for example) Not to mention he’s directed several of the top films of all time and, along with George Lucas, single-filmingly redefined American “summer movie smashes” with “Jaws”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “ET” and “Jurassic Park”, not to mention the scores of smash hits he’s executive-produced.
But NO! “War of the Worlds” is a sinking ship and obviously needs a scandal to get people in seats come this 4th of July weekend because Spielberg doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. I can imagine how the pitch meeting went:
PARAMOUNT EXECUTIVE
Well Mr. Spielberg, it seems here you’d like to make a “War of the Worlds” movie…
STEVEN
Yes sir, that’s correct.
EXECUTIVE
I don’t know, sounds expensive. And are you sure you’re experienced enough to handle it?
STEVEN
Um, I’ve done every movie on budget since 1981. And I have a few Oscars… my own studio…
EXECUTIVE
Yes, well I know you’ve made us BILLIONS with your, what was it, Indiana something series, but I think this “War” thing is too much of a risk. Yeah. In fact we’re probably going to greenlight “The Shadow 2” instead.
STEVEN
Well, what if it starred Tom Cruise?
EXECUTIVE
Tom Cruise? Are you fucking kidding me? “Mission Impossible 2″ only made about half a billion worldwide. And in Euros it’s even less. Sorry, I just can’t justify those numbers son.
STEVEN [nervous]
Ok, I’ve got an idea. Let’s start shooting, but shortly before release I’ll convince Tom to start a sham romance with someone half his age!
EXECUTIVE
Ah, now you’re making sense! The millions we spend on advertising will be shored up by the free Tom plugs in tabloid articles read by forty-something soccer moms who will then no doubt flock to see a killer alien invasion flick.
STEVEN
Exactly! So… I’ve got a green light then? Huh? Huh? PLEEEASSSEEE???
EXECUTIVE
Well… Ok.
STEVEN
YIPPEE!!!
And with that Steven got to make his killer alien movie. Near the wrapping of it though he was forced to confront his good buddy Tom Cruise…
STEVEN
Tom, I think we need to have a talk…
TOM
About what? You already told me where babies come from…
STEVEN
I’m afraid this is more serious Tom. [sigh] I’m sorry, but the studio wants you to start a sham romance with a young chick. It’s the only way people will go see our movie.
TOM
What? But… why? Why don’t people want to see it right now?
STEVEN
I’m just not a good enough a director. And our $200 million of effects and destruction simply won’t cut it these days. I mean, I thought I could make a good war movie like I did with “Saving Private Ryan” but… I guess I was wrong. You’re our only hope.
TOM
Fine. I guess I did just dump that Cruz woman anyway. Do you have anyone in mind?
STEVEN
Well… what about that Katie Holmes from Dawson’s Creek?
TOM
THAT COW? Are you kidding? It’d be a total “bag over the head” thing!
STEVEN
Do it for me, Tom. Please?
TOM
Ok. I guess if I was in “Legend” I can stoop to this…
STEVEN
Shh! You’re not supposed to mention that!
MEANWHILE, ON THE SET OF “BATMAN BEGINS”, ANOTHER TROUBLED, SURE-FIRE FLOP…
JENNY [BEST FRIEND OF KATIE HOLMES]
Katie! Like OH MY GOD! Tom Cruise is coming over to your trailer!
KATIE
Oh GOD not him again… He’s got a face like a horse!
JENNY
Well I think he’s cute!
KATIE
You would.
TOM enters the trailer, a bouquet of red roses in one hand.
TOM
Hiya Katie. You don’t know me - my name is Tom Cruise. I hope you like roses…
KATIE
Oh yeah, they’re great. In fact, I’ll put them right next to my “Cocktail” DVD - in the trash!
TOM
Katie, baby, gimme a chance huh?
JENNY [embarrassed]
I am like, SO out of here.
Jenny leaves. Tom checks to make sure she’s out of earshot, then swoops in for the kill.
TOM
I hear “Batman Begins” is having trouble…
KATIE
What do you mean?
TOM
I mean I hear nobody wants to see it. That it’s gonna sink Warner Brothers. That it’s so bad they’re thinking about putting the Bat-Nipples back on and spray-painting everything bright green.
KATIE
Who told you this?
TOM
That’s unimportant. But perhaps we can help each other out…
KATIE
I’m listening…
TOM
All we have to do is start a “love affair” and the tabloids and media will go nuts. That’ll translate DIRECTLY into box office dollars for our movies.
KATIE
I guess when you put it that way, yeah… Ok I’m in!
TOM
YIPPEE!!! Now give me some sugar, baby!
If those scenes sounded realistic, well it’s because that’s obviously what happened if you believe all the talk. I guess when “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds” both become big hits it’ll be thanks solely to Tom and Katie, and once all the dollars are in they’ll break it off (until they star in future “sure fire flops” like “Mission Impossible 3″).
All joking aside here’s a REAL sham romance publicity stunt that none of these E! exclusive types seem to notice: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Think about it: Aside from “Troy” Brad Pitt hasn’t had a success in nearly 10 years and Jolie got lucky with the god-awful “Tomb Raider” but has made exactly ZERO hit movies beyond that. (Or beyond borders) Put it all together this June and it’s sure bet that “Mr and Mrs. Smith” is going to flop harder than a 10 ton pancake dropped from a 747. Oh but I’m sure it looked good on paper:
EXECUTIVE
Boy am I glad that Spielberg punk is outta my office… Come in!
DOUG LIMAN
[director of Mr and Mrs Smith] Hey there! Have I got a deal for you!
EXECUTIVE
Hit me.
DOUG
Ok - True Lies, the movie where the husband was a spy but his wife didn’t know, made like $150 million U.S. right?
EXECUTIVE
Yeah…
DOUG
Ok so get this – if I make a movie where BOTH the husband and wife are spies and neither one knows then we’ll make DOUBLE that!
EXECUTIVE
You know… that makes sense. And wow that’s like, what, $200 million right? I can’t actually do math…
DOUG
Close enough - at any rate it’s MORE! So whadda think?
EXECUTIVE
I’ve already started righting the checks son. So who’s gonna star in this thing?
DOUG
Well the best way to shore up the success of a $100 million production is to use two stars with abysmal track records…
EXECUTIVE
Of course. So what like – Tom Cruise?
DOUG
Actually I was thinking Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It’ll be a PERFECT date movie, complete with guns and explosions!
EXECUTIVE
God you’re brilliant. But wait a minute – won’t girls stay away because Jolie’s a buxom big-lipped-and-boobed bimbo, and guys will steer clear cause it’s got Brad “I was a heart throb during the first Clinton term” Pitt?
DOUG
I don’t see that happening. Studies say people really connect with actors much more attractive than they are.
EXECUTIVE
I’m convinced! Ok here’s a check for $100 million, plus, aw what the hell, another $100 million – why not, I’m sure this’ll beat “Titanic”. That boat movie didn’t have Brad Pitt, you know!
Well that’s my take on it I guess. But only time (and box office return) will truly tell…
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MY NEXT RANT!
I have no clue what it’ll be about yet, probably something videogame-related. Maybe Mario and Lara Croft will start a faux romance to help sell the Nintendo DS and I complain about that… I can only hope!
