1980 / 219 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

If you’re wondering how the experimental, edgy films of the Seventies could give way to the commercial, adolescent-friendly, cuddly films of the Eighties, you really need look no further than “Heaven’s Gate”. “Heaven’s Gate” is the film that took independent-minded, edgy, adult cinematic fare to its ultimate, expensive conclusion. If that sounds like a good thing, well, it is…kinda.

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1980 / 111 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

Much like “The Exorcist” and “Jaws”, “National Lampoon’s Animal House” was a box-office juggernaut whose appeal was so simple that it inspired a platoon of lame knock-offs. Hollywood producers and execs, eager to exploit any success, decided that the public wanted demons and ravenous fish, and made boatloads of movies that cheapened the originals by pandering to their audience’s most basic interests and ripping off as many elements of the successful films as possible. With “Animal House”, those same producers seemed to decide that all it took to make a hit comedy were tits and men without scruples. A plethora of soulless, hollow, T&A-filled dreck like “Porky’s” (that movie sucks, I don’t care what anyone says), “Private School” and “Screwballs” followed. Miraculously, despite all these horrible knock-offs, “Animal House” has retained its sterling reputation and is a movie that is still beloved, admired, referenced and quoted to death to this very day.

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2007 / 86 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

As soon as I heard there was a movie coming out called “Shoot ‘Em Up”, I was intrigued. When I learned that it starred Clive Owen, the modern king of bad-assery after “Sin City”, I became more excited. When I discovered that Clive was going up against a villain played by Paul Giamatti, an actor who is never ever boring, my excitement grew. When I saw the trailer, full of car chases, explosions and plenty of bullets flying around, I put it on my must-see list. Then I promptly forgot all about its existence…until I saw an ad for it and learned that it would be released this past weekend. (A violent, fun-filled action movie AND a western released on the same weekend…the movie gods have officially smiled down on me.) I was unable to see it this weekend (you try dragging your fiancee to a film entitled “Shoot ‘Em Up”) but I DID get in there as soon as I was able.

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1980 / 111 Minutes / PG
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

If you absolutely, positively have to watch a big-budget sci-fi movie made specifically to capitalize on the surprise success of “Star Wars”, watch “Flash Gordon”. Truly, accept no substitutes.

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1997/ 129 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale J. Nauertz

I’m thinking about doing a series of articles on films that actually deliver the popcorn movie goods, without going back to the usual suspects and legitimate classics (i.e. “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “Star Wars”, “Jaws”, etc.). Now, before you all get too excited, you must realize that I am probably too lazy to stick with such a thing, and I may have trouble thinking of enough movies that fit the requirements I would impose on such a subject. For one thing, the movie has to have plenty of explosions. Secondly, it needs to have characters that you actually care about. Third, it has to have something that clearly distinguishes itself from all the other blockbuster and wannabe blockbuster dreck. And, of course, it must be fun.

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2007 / 144 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Jason Jones

Well here we are. Another summer and another blatant attempt by Hollywood to tap into our collective nostalgia for a childhood long since past in order to make a quick buck (or a few hundred million of them anyway). Usually I don’t particularly care as it is typically something I could give less than a crap about like Dukes of Hazzard or The Cat in the Hat that finds itself being taken advantage of by the mad Hollywood marketing machine.

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2007 / 130 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

A car inexplicably hangs upside down inside an elevator shaft. John McClane and a sexy, ninja computer hacker struggle inside as the car slips further down the shaft, tangled in wires, inch by inch. It is only near the end of this sequence, just before the car careens down the shaft, that we see the car’s rear wheel wedged on a metal support piece.

That single description should illustrate what is wrong with this latest entry in the “Die Hard” franchise.

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2007 / 90 Minutes / Unrated
Reviewed by Jason Jones

I am not what one would call a horror film aficionado by any stretch of the imagination. So it would be prudent of me to start out this review by saying that, to date, I have yet to see any of the Saw or Hostel movies. For whatever reason I have never acquired a taste for them like many filmgoers have. Now, of course, I appreciate the greatness of films like The Exorcist and The Shining, but to me those are films that manage to transcend the genre and exist outside the boundaries of what a horror film should be.

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2007 / 129 Minutes / R
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

To most guys, “Knocked Up” will be more terrifying than “The Exorcist” and “Hostel” combined. An affable loser (played with lazy grace by Seth Rogen) goes to a club and hooks up with a beautiful woman far out of his league. One beer leads to another and Seth ends up knocking boots with this hottie (and Katherine Heigl is most definitely a hottie). So far, so good. It’s like the start of “Hostel” where this dude in Amsterdam tells the guys about the superhot babes with lax morals just waiting to hump Americanos in Eastern Europe. Then however, comes the part with the saw blades and the eyeballs: the hottie ends up pregnant. Now our affable stoner faces a moral conundrum: does he support this beautiful career woman or does he bail? And how does a man with little forward direction in his life deal with such a scenario? Does he retire the bong? Does he get a real job and learn to grow up? Do they have to get married now?

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2007 / 168 Minutes / PG-13
Reviewed by Dale Nauertz

Now this is more like it.

The original “Pirates”, you may remember, was one of those films that I hyped to the moon upon initial reviewing, not unlike the original “Spider Man”. I loved it. It was a breath of fresh air in a summer filled with the stock car chases, explosions and superheroes. At last, here was a summer movie I hadn’t been watching in one form or another every summer for the past ten years. It was distinctive, unique and, above all, fun. Perhaps I overrated it, but it has held up better than “Spider Man”, another film I personally overrated (sorry, Spidey). Personally, I’d rather see sword fights and cannon battles than speeches about responsibility. “Spider Man” is probably a better movie, but the original “Pirates” is infinitely more fun.

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